You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
