How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
