i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
