Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
