The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
