I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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