it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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