Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
