it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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