Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
