So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
