Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
