Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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