So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
