If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
