So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
