I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
