just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
