Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
