Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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