He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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