I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
