My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
