Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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