the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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