No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
