I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
