I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
