Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
