ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
