I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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