Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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