Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
