it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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