just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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