Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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