Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
