It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
