Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
