I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
