Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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