12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i love accidental penises.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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