dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
