just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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