I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
