im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
