I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
