I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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