you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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