She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
